depression’s extent

i’ve been reading about others’ experiences with depression online, in an attempt to try to explain my own symptoms better.
this was an anonymous comment on a website (and i hope it’s ok to share) from a guy who has really been crushed by his illness.
it is very touching and heartbreaking, and sadly i admit that i feel the same way he does very often.

I used to have faith in God – I became a catholic – now I just feel a fool. I spent my whole life doing good for him – my faith was so strong, Now at the age of 66 I realise it was a waste of time. He doesnt care about me at all. I cannot connect with my daughter – just found out my son has aspergergers. Been through a horrific 3 years because I did not know my son had this. Now I am having my antidepressants changed. I tried to kill myself infront of my daughter a few days ago – she fought me. You think theres a God? forget it!!
I have nothing to live for – most times the only reason I do not kill myself is because then I might just find myself in the company of those I knew before I came here and I would not ever want to see them them again after this horrific life.
THAT is what depression feels like to me – no way out – only existence. No smiles, no enthusiasm any longer – just an empty shell of a once vibrant person who only wanted to help people.
Now I worship money becuase money is the only thing I have left and I have precious little of that.
I always thought that there would be an end to my suffering here, now I know that it just goes on on and on and on. In my darkest hours I always believed in God – now I have do not have that -at least I have found a way to make a little money for myself. I never even asked him for anything – I will never pray again, he does not exist because if he did exist, if he was a loving god then I would not be writing this.
I even changed my name three years ago to include his name in my name – now I cant wait to change name again.
That is what depression feels like – there is no word in the language to describe it.
You have lost me God and everyone in heaven has lost me – was it worth it????
I will go to a better place when I finally die – as long as it is away from you I do not really care where it is now.

i don’t think there are any more words i can add to make any more clear the destruction that depression causes in people’s lives, hearts, and minds.


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